


Undertow

by FinnofRen



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Lovers, Force-Sensitive Finn, Gen, Grey Jedi Ben Solo, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Jedi Ben Solo, Jedi Finn, M/M, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-09-08 23:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8867731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FinnofRen/pseuds/FinnofRen
Summary: The war is over. Snoke is defeated and Ben has returned to the light. But for Finn leaving behind the past is not so easy and it might be harder than it seems for Ben as well.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [perlaret](https://archiveofourown.org/users/perlaret/gifts).



Finn leaned against the wall studying Ren as the man went through the lightsaber cadences. His movements were fluid and graceful, if in Finn's opinion the whole thing was filled with too many elaboration that would have made it impractical even lethal in actual combat. 

Had anyone asked Finn why he was there,  why he always watched Ren like a hawk, he'd have told him that it was because he didn't trust the man. 

Ren might have rejected from the Dark Side, he might have helped bring down Snoke who was considered the "real threat" by everyone else, but it didn't change anything to Finn. 

Nor did it matter how many others called him Ben now, Finn would keep on calling him Ren.  He would never let anyone forget what the man had done, who he had been, what he had been part of. 

Finn couldn't forget even if he had wanted to forget he couldn't. His body still carried the scars that Ren had given him, they ached every time the weather got cold and his mind would always be haunted by what the First Order put him through. 

And he didn't trust him. A leopard might change its spots, but it would remain a leopard no matter what. 

 

Ben could feel Finn's eyes boring into his back as he moved, fluently shifting from one stance to the next in the cadence. And through the Force he sensed the passion pouring off the man, that 'stronger than anger, but not quite' hate feeling that was a constant when Finn was near him. 

It made him wonder why his uncle had accepted Finn as a student.  

While Skywalker didn't adhere to the old Jedi code of emotional detachment and suppression, he did not condone such unbridled negative emotions in his students. He had too ample evidence of where they could lead if not addressed  in a timely manner, which he usually did. Except in Finn. 

Perhaps it was because of his strength? Finn would use the Force consciously or unconsciously, with or without instruction. That much had been clear to Ben even back on Jakku when he first sensed it, the tremor in the Force had felt like an earthquake rocking Ben's whole world and leading his gaze to the Stormtrooper that was staring at him in turn. Perhaps his uncle preferred to have some influence over the young man and try to push him in the right direction, though Finn was showing himself to be somewhat recalcitrant. Though Ben remembered his own life and story too vividly to think that such an influence was any guarantee of things working out as intended. 

He knew how much suspicion and hesitance his uncle viewed Ben himself with – and not without cause he acknowledged that – but his leniency towards Finn was something of a mystery to Ben. 

And if that _was_ Luke's motives Ben wished that his uncle would keep a closer eye on Finn, if for no other reason so that he himself could occasionally find some peace. Whenever Finn was not directly kept busy, he would gravitate towards Ben and stay in eyeshot. It was irritating and... distracting. 

_Very distracting_. 

His eyes made Ben's skin feel electrified and it was almost impossible to focus on _anything_ but that intense mind concentrated entirely on him. 

His irritation flared and his toes scraped against the heel of his other foot, tripping him up and prematurely ending the cadence. 

_Infuriating_. 

He snapped around to face Finn who was lounging against the wall, wearing loose pants and a short sleeved shirt that showed off his muscular arms and broad chest. 

"If you're going to stand there staring you may as well make yourself useful," Ben snapped irritated. 

Finn raised one eyebrow. 

"How?" Something in Finn's voice, an underlying tension perhaps, made Ben's pulse speed up at the sound of it. 

"Grab a practice saber so we can spar. You could do with the practice, you still put far too much force into your blows. It's a lightsaber, not a cudgel." 

Perhaps he could work Finn's hostility off, or his own irritation. Either would work for him. 

His tone was icier than he intended, but Finn often made him irrationally furious. At himself, at Finn, at the world and the past, at all the things he wish he could go back and change but knows he can do nothing about except try to fix the future. 

 

Finn's jaw clenched at the tone in Ren's voice, and for a he considered telling Ren to piss off and walk out, but that was probably exactly what the man was trying to achieve. So instead he pushed off the wall, sauntered to the rack of practice lightsabers and snatched one. 

Walking up to Ren he lit the blade, its bright blue light mixing with the green from Ren's, and assumed the initial stance of Djem So. Ren mirrored him, feet placed wide, clearly waiting for Finn to make the first move. 

Finn obliged him, feinting twice, before following through with a powerful overhand blow. Ren neatly sidestepped it, but Finn was no longer the novice he had been back on Starkiller Base and recovered without losing his balance. Spinning on the balls of one foot he blocked the blow Ren had aimed at his back. Almost the same damn move the bastard had done back then. 

Finn resumed his assault, his anger flaring red hot and he pressed Ren backwards with each strike he made. The other man dodged, feinted right, trying to escape Finn's ever oncoming onslaught, but ended up backed up against the wall unable to escape.  

Finn pressed his blade against Ren's, locking them both in place. 

 

Ben breathed hard. His arm muscle were aching under the effort of holding Finn at bay. He could feel the solidity of Finn's body pressed against his own and his breath was hot and heavy as it gusted across the skin of Ben's face. 

"You were saying about me using too much strength in my blows," Finn growled, his beautiful dark eyes marred by anger as they bored into Ben's. 

"You've improved much," Ben squeezed out between clenched teeth. 

 

Ren's words fed the fire in Finn's chest. _How_ ** _dared_** _he judge!_  

Ren's face seemed to fill his whole world. The scar for Rey's blow barely visible now, even this close, just a narrow, barely there line. The arrogant full lipped mouth and the long, wavy dark hair. He looked so untouched, so above it all. 

With a sudden move Finn stepped back. Ren almost fell over, unprepared for the sudden loss resistance. 

Finn assumed fighting stance once more, this time waiting for Ren to make _his_ move first. 

Ren waited too, taking his time for whatever reason. Their short match couldn't have winded him in any way, so Finn assumed he was just waiting for Finn's attention to slip. Finn vowed it wouldn't, he would give Ren _nothing_. 

 

Ben approached with caution, testing Finn's defenses and was blocked at every turn. The younger man had improved far more than Ben had realized, his defense never slipping even once and Ben marveled at the grace and poise with which he moved. Even untrained Finn had been a worthy opponent, but now he was capable indeed. Had this been a real match and not sparring, Ben knew he would have been in for a fight he could not be sure to win. 

Then without warning Finn's tactic changed, from defense to offense. A flurry of blows was directed at Ben's head and shoulders and Ben only barely managed to deflect them as  he once again had to retreat. 

 

Finn felt his fury rising even further as Ren toyed with him, almost playfully tried to breach his defenses. 

_Was that all he was to the man? Something to play with now he no longer had his other toys?_  

Finn's retaliation was a sharp and pointed set of attacks, once more pressing Ren backwards. 

_How dare he_ _!_ _He_ _just walked_ _into his old life like nothing had happened!_ _No marks, no nothing. Accepted with open arms as if_ ** _nothing at all_** _had happened._  

Finn struck one hard blow against Ren's saber unwillingly causing their blades to lock together. Finn put all his strength in pushing him Ren further backwards, but the man held his ground.  

Finn couldn't help but notice how the muscles in Ren's arms trembled under the strain, sweat trickling down his chest, his face pinched in concentration. 

 

Ben felt the strength behind each attack and Finn's fury that grew with every blow. 

It worried him. This wasn't just Finn's usual animosity, it was something deeper and Ben knew, far more dangerous. And it could lead the earnest young man down a dark path all too easily. A path Ben knew too well himself, the cost of it, the losses that could never be recovered. He had no wish to see Finn take that path, however infuriating he could be. 

"Finn," he panted between clenched teeth. "Don't let your anger rule you. Don't allow it to take over." He had faint hope Finn would listen, but he had to try to get through. If Luke and the others had failed, his own chance of success was small indeed, but he could not – would not – let Finn slip into that place without trying to prevent it. 

The other man's eyes narrowed dangerously, his arms straining as he continued to push against Ben's weapon. 

"You're one to talk," Finn snarled. "Was that all it took was? You throwing a tantrum and you went 'Dark'?" 

His voice was laced thick with scorn, his words burning Ben like acid. While lightyears from what had happened, there was still enough echo of truth in them that Ben could not deny their sting. Had he been less self absorbed, less inclined to let his anger and entitlement lead him, so much pain and death would have been avoided. Another reason he was determined to keep Finn back, he did not wish for Finn to have blood on his hands the way Ben did. 

The bite in Finn's words caused Ben's defenses to slip and Finn succeeded in wrestling his weapon free of Ben's. A lightning fast strike followed and Ben saw the lightsaber fly from his hand and across the room. Then a sharp blow landed on his chin sending him sprawling to his knees. 

 

The world had gone red. 

Ren was on the floor, lying in a tangle of limbs. 

Finn's hand is poised to strike, to run Ren through. Finn had forgotten that the weapon he wielded was only a practice saber, that striking with it would do no real harm.  

But then the real world seemed faint and far away to Finn in that moment. His field of vision is filled with the sight of the snarling man yelling 'traitor', a word he can barely hear over the roaring of his blood. 

_Traitor_ _!_ _Traitor to what?_   

A group that had never caused him anything but pain, who hurt and murdered billions of others. That was Ren had deliberately chosen and Finn had risked everything to get away from?  

But then Ren decided to leave as well and everyone was fine with that. Except Finn. But he never really said it out loud because he didn't want to be stared at again. Those stares that said "you don't belong", "you're not really one of us", "you don't believe what we do". 

He thought he had found his place out here away from the First Order, but maybe he was wrong. Maybe this place was no different. Maybe he would be a no better Jedi than he had been a Stormtrooper. Maybe there would never be a true place for him anywhere. 

Absorbed by his thoughts and pain Finn didn't notice that his hand began to tremble, his arm slowly sinking to his side. The lightsaber fell from his numb fingers, the blade going dark as it dropped to the floor. 

_Outsider. "Oh, you're one of 'them'". FN-2187._ The words rang in Finn's head. 

It felt like an abyss of loneliness opened at his feet and it was all he could do not to fall into it, but every thought, every memory he recalled, every pointed barb that echoed at him from the past, pushed him closer and closer to the yawning edge. 

 

Ben's head was spinning from the blow. He should have realized how much of a punch Finn could pack, the man was ripped after all. Shaking his head, trying to clear it, Ben looked up.  

The sight that met him was not what he had thought he would see. There was no opponent poised for attack, it was not even Finn standing, looking down at him in victory. Instead Finn had an expression of despair on his face, his hands hanging empty and loose at his side. 

Finn's head was lowered and there was no way Ben could have missed the tremors running through his body. 

Ben rolled on up on his knees, intending to rise to his feet, when he saw Finn's knees beginning to buckle. Reaching out he grabbed Finn, cushioning him as he dropped to his knees. 

As he touched Finn, Ben was almost overwhelmed by the wave of loneliness, anguish and despair pouring from him and it stole the breath from his lungs. 

_How could Finn ever_ _remain upright if he carried all of this? How did he manage to stand at all?_   It made his own pain a guilt feel almost insignificant. 

And it felt wrong, that he of all people would be the one to comfort Finn in this moment. It should have been anyone else, Rey, Luke, even Ben's own mother had more right to offer Finn comfort than Ben did, and Finn deserved all their kindness and affection. But there was no one else. 

Stiffly and uncertain Ben folded his arms around Finn's shoulders, half way expecting the man to angrily push him away given how Finn usually behaved around him. But instead Finn curled up against him's chest, burying his face at his neck, wrapping his arms tightly around Ben's chest. 

Perhaps Finn was so lost in despair that he was unaware of who was offering him comfort, or maybe he hurt so much he would accept anyone. Either way, Ben braced himself against the torment pouring from Finn and cradled him in his arms, feeling as tears soaked his shirt. 

 

Finn curled up against Ben's body, grounding himself in the solidity of it, desperately cleaving towards its warmth. The large hand that ran gently up and down his back became a soft tether that kept him from sliding deeper into the abyss. The smell of musk warm and sweat from Ben's body mixed with the scent of the brine from his tears.  

More old memories threatened to well out of the abyss. Memories of lonely nights in the dorm where all the other cadets whispered, but he alone was left out; of being exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally but still their trainers pushed them on; of being ten and handed a live blaster rifle for the first time; of the "well done, FN-2187" when he got a clean kill score. 

Hundreds of little memories of pain and loneliness; of being ostracized and desperate to belong, and being willing to do nearly everything to do so then realizing that he never would. They reached out and threatened to overtake him, trying to drag him down. 

He struggled to stop shaking, to stop the flood of tears. He didn't want this vulnerability, it made him feel naked and exposed without his consent. But the wounds were too great and had gone unaddressed for too long. First under the First Order, at that  time where he barely realized he was injured, that the empty ache inside was not how things were supposed to be. Then there was a war on and no time for anything except surviving and fighting. But now, months after the victory, building a new Jedi Order alongside Skywalker and Rey, he could no longer ignore them. They had kept tripping him up and now they were finally out in the open. 

Ren might be able to walk into his old life and pick up as if nothing had happened, but Finn _had_ no old life to return to and the new he was building for himself seemed to welcome him less than he had hoped it would. Everyone here seemed to have a place but him and everyone got along with Ben. Except him, FN-2187, Finn, the one without a name or place. The one who never belonged. 

 

Ben had ever felt so helpless or afraid in his life as he did while holding the crying Finn. Not when he decided to join Snoke, falsely thinking he had been betrayed by those he loved, not when Starkiller Base fired, nor after he had killed his own father and realized the enormity and wrongness of what he had done. Not even when he had made his desperate leap back towards the Light, not certain if he'd succeed much less survive. 

But here, with Finn crying forlornly in his arms, life had handed him something fragile and broken. Something that he might break even worse with a clumsy attempt to help, but he knew that doing nothing would most certainly make things worse. 

Awkwardly he pulled Finn closer, so the younger man was seated in Ben's lap and continued to caress Finn's back. He remained silent, he could think of no words that could measure up to the deep despair he felt from Finn. Instead he closed his eyes and reached out in the Force, embracing Finn with that as well as with his arms. 

Doing so was painful. Ben had never touched anyone that felt this much pain and it cut him to the depth of his soul. But despite the pain he couldn't help but marvel at the Light in Finn, it was so bright it was almost blinding but Ben would happily have let it blind him forever if Finn would allow him to remain close it was so beautiful. 

_This_ , he realized. _This was why Luke insisted on training Finn despite his anger and temper. This_ _dazz_ _ling_ _brilliance of the Force that lived in him. How could he have missed it till now?_  

Staring at the brightness instead of being blinded his gaze saw beyond brilliance. The radiance wasn't uniform, it had cracks, flaws, fault lines where it was coming apart. 

_Was the light all that people saw of Finn_ , he wondered. _Did none of_ _them see beyond it to the cracks? See how deeply injured this rare man was?_  

In this moment it didn't really matter though. He saw and he knew he had to help. 

With the greatest care, Ben reached out to touch, to lend his strength to hold together what could no longer stay whole on its own. 

 

An Finn gasped involuntarily when he felt Ben touch him in the Force. It hurt, but it also felt so good. There was a tenderness in the touch that he had not expected from this man, nor did he feel anything like Finn had thought he would. 

He felt... muted? No that wasn't the right word. Maybe, dampened? And it was an odd mix of shadows shot through with bright light, like sunlight shining through thick leaf foil. There were places where Ben felt... faded, empty, spaces where there should have been something but it had been cut out. Or ripped, given the jaggedness of the outlines.  

There was pain and guilt, and a deep longing that echoed to one lying deep inside Finn.  

So Finn allowed Ben to envelop him, to hold his own jagged seams together and pull him back from the abyss. 

Slowly his tears stopped and though his breath remained ragged it was no longer harsh sobs. Ben didn't let go, but cradled him against his chest, gently rocking him back and forth. 

Part of Finn wanted to hate it, the comfort he found in embrace and the Force touch from _Ren_ of all people, but it felt too good to be touched like this, to be held. And there was still that something in him that found an echo in Ben that it had no where else, something that it had desperately longed for but had always been denied. 

 

He had thought Finn would get up as soon as he got some hold of himself, either angrily jerk away or awkwardly disentable himself, but instead Ben found the young man easily resting his head against his shoulder, a huff of warm breath gusting across Ben's skin when Finn sighed. 

Finn's head was tilted to the side and Ben could see the tears that still clung to the lashes of his closed eyes and the soft, slightly parted lips. 

He looked so young. Almost too young to have fought through a war and far more vulnerable than his usual high spirits and stubborn nature suggested. 

Ben couldn't recall the last time he held another person this tenderly, nor when another had allowed themselves to be vulnerable in his presence and he marveled at it. 

Cupping one hand behind Finn's neck he let his fingers caress the nape, feeling the springy curls beneath his pads, silently appreciating this tender moment. 

 

A soft sound escaped Finn at the caress of his neck. 

Ben's fingers were so gentle, unlike most touches Finn had experienced in his life. They trailed up across his skull and cupped the back of his head, thumb ghosting across his cheek, brushing away the tears that still lingered. 

He would never have believed Ren capable of such gentleness had anyone told him, but lying here cradled in his arms there was no denying it. Nor could he deny the pleasure the tenderness gave him, to be held with gentleness. 

Finn tilted his head slightly upwards eyes fluttering open, to find Ben looking at him wearing a strange expression. 

Ben's head was bend forwards and his mouth was so close, his lips looking soft and welcoming. It had been so long since Finn had last kissed anyone, felt lips pressed softly against his own or hungrily devouring his mouth. 

Finn leaned forward without realizing that he did, but he noticed how Ben's eyes grew a little wider, his head tipping further down and lips parting in anticipation. 

When Finn's lips were a centimeter from Ben's a tiny sound escaped the other man, a small 'oh' of surprise. The sound jarred Finn out of the strange reverie he was in and he jerked back. 

_What the_ ** _hell_** _was he doing?_ _Had he lost all sense?_ _He was going to... kiss Ben?_  

Ren, he immediately corrected himself. Ren. 

Unceremoniously Finn pulled away, sliding out of Ren's arms and scrambled to his feet. Ren's hand slid down Finn's arm as he did so, until it was holding on to the tips of Finn's fingers. Finn felt the pads against his own, the touch almost burning him so intense was his awareness of it. 

"Finn." His name sounded like a plea. 

"Don't." His voice sounded weaker than he liked. His heart was conflicted, he shouldn't be enjoying the touch of Be- Ren's hand in his, nor should he want to hear him ask him to stay, tell him that he wanted to hold him again. 

With an act of will he pulled his hand away from Ben's. 

"I don't trust you." Finn made his voice hard, but it still rang hollow in his ears. 

Refusing to look down at Ren he rushed out of the gymnasium out into the fresh air, heart beating wildly in his chest and feeling Ren's eyes follow him as he went. Just before the door closed behind him her heard Ben say, "I know." 

Wilfully closing his ears Finn continued away. 

As he went he swore that he would stay far away from Ren from now on, the man brought nothing good with him, he never had.  

But deep down Finn knew he would come back to watch him again and though he would still say it was because he didn't trust him if anyone asked, there was part of him that knew that that would not be the only reason he was watching Ben. 

 

Ben remained sitting on the floor in the gymnasium long after Finn had left. 

The way Finn's hand had lingered in his own after he had got to his feet was burned into his mind.  The warmth and weight of the other man's body lingered in his mind and he kept wondering what would have happened if they _had_ kissed. 

What would Finn's lips have felt like. To have kissed that light and not just touched it. 

He knew he didn't deserve it, that perhaps what had just transpired would chase Finn away for good. But part of him hoped that Finn would return to watch him again. 

He wanted to feel those eyes digging into his back again, drag over his skin and sense the touch of that light against his spirit.  

Maybe if Finn came back they could do more than fight.


End file.
